I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
