Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
