I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
