I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
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We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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