Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
