Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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