I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
