u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pants are for mortals
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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