Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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