community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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