I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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