I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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