I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
