people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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