Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
