last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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