the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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