One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
