She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
