sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
