Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
