PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm too high and old for this...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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