drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
