i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
