new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
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I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
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You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm like, not good at living.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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