Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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