dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
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youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
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I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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