there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
