all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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