My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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