his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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