his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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