becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
