We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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