You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
