matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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