my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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