Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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