hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
