Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
