These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
