She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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