I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
