he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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