I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
