I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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