I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
