stop calling my apartment porn island.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
