he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I look better un-naked...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
