it's like iHOP with fire
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
