I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
