I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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