maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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