He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
