News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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