i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
